Am I the A-Hole? | Real Estate Edition – When Boundaries Get Tested

[00:00:01] Speaker A: Hey, guys. Welcome to Real Talk with Andres and Heather, the podcast where we say the quiet part out loud about real estate business and the situations nobody warns you about, all while we're live streaming, so there are no edits. [00:00:15] Speaker B: And this isn't about, you know, coaching from a stage or highlight reels from social media. This is real stories, real mistakes, real money, and real consequences from agents, buyers, sellers, and business owners leaving it in real time. If you're tired of the sugar quarter advice, fake gurus, and playing small because nobody tell you how it really works, you're in the right place. I'm Andres and this is Heather. Let's get into some real talk. [00:00:44] Speaker A: All right, guys. And it's time for one of our favorite parts of the show, Am I the A Hole Real Estate Edition? [00:00:52] Speaker B: And again, this is our Am I the A Hole Real Estate Edition segment. And just a quick note, this is a dramatized story, not a real client situation. But every single scenario is based on situations agents, clients deal with all the time. [00:01:09] Speaker A: So your job isn't just to listen. It's to decide who's right, who's wrong, and who probably needs therapy. [00:01:17] Speaker B: So let's get into it. And if you like the episode, don't forget to subscribe on our YouTube channel. And stay tuned for any new episodes coming up. [00:01:25] Speaker A: All right, let's dive into our story for today. All right, guys, here we go. I'm a listing agent. I took on sellers who are going through a divorce. From the beginning, it was tense. They didn't want to be in the same room together. Communication was through text only, and every decision turned into an argument. I tried to stay neutral. I kept everything in writing. I scheduled separate calls. I did everything I could do to keep the transaction moving and keep the peace. We got the house under contract quickly. Everyone agreed on the terms. We were about two weeks away from closing, and things were finally settling down. Oh, technical difficulty. You're back. We lost Andres, but now he's back. [00:02:18] Speaker B: What? Sorry about that. [00:02:22] Speaker A: No problem. That's the beauty of being live and live streaming. Sometimes things like that happen. What was the last thing you heard? Did you. Did you miss part of the story? [00:02:30] Speaker B: I miss when you are going. Most of the communication was under text and you were on the contract. [00:02:39] Speaker A: Okay, let me back up to that part. Let me find. Okay, so most of the communication. Oh, no, the communic communication was through text only. Every decision turned into an argument. I tried to stay neutral. I kept everything in writing. I scheduled separate calls. I did everything I could do to keep the transaction moving and. And keep the peace. So I'll pause the story real quick just to say, I know you. We lost you for a second. You came. You came back now. And everybody who's an agent who's worked with a divorce case knows how difficult those can be. And keeping everything in writing is key. Definitely key. [00:03:18] Speaker B: Definitely. [00:03:20] Speaker A: I'm gonna jump back into the. Back into the story here. We got the house under contract. Quickly. Everyone agreed on the terms. We were about two weeks from closing, and things were finally settling down. Then the emotion part hit. One of the sellers started calling me daily. Not about the house, about the divorce, about how unfair everything was, about how they felt the other spouse was winning. Calls turned into long rants, late night texts, voice notes. I tried to be supportive and redirect back to the transaction. Then, three days before closing, it escalated. The seller called me crying and said that they didn't want to sell anymore. Not because of the deal, but because selling the house meant that the marriage was really over. They asked me to slow things down and find a way to delay closing without telling the other spouse. I explained I couldn't do that. We were under contract. There were legal obligations. So I encouraged them to speak with their attorney. They got upset and said that I was being cold and I only cared about the commission. The next morning, I received a long message saying they felt unsupported, that I wasn't on their side, and that I was treating this like a business deal instead of a life event. After talking with my broker and realizing how emotionally charged everything had become, I made the decision to step back. I told both parties I'd continue to cooperate through closing, but I was formally withdrawing from the relationship after the transaction because I felt boundaries had been crossed and I could no longer be the emotional support person that they seemed to need. The closing happened. The sale went through. But one of the sellers told me I was heartless for checking out emotionally during one of the hardest moments of their life. I feel for them. I really do. But I also felt like I was being pulled into something way beyond my role. So am I the a hole for setting boundaries and emotionally stepping back at the end? [00:05:48] Speaker B: Damn, Heather, that's messed up. And mind you guys, this is the first time I hear this story now. She didn't want to share it with me before we came on live. So are you the a hole for stepping out and sending out that boundary? How was the relationship before. Before the transaction got started? Do you know them? Did you had any contact with them? And I'm Coming from a place of, of trying to understand the buyers. I mean, the seller's point of view, because they, they, they obviously trusted you, they built a great relationship with you, and they looked at you as more than a real estate agent throughout the transaction, which is going to happen in some cases. Right? We've mentioned it before. We become therapists. We, we put multiple hats throughout the process to, to help buyers and sellers in a transaction. But I see that relationship develop over the course of the transaction. But was there anything prior to that that indicated to them that. That they are somebody to, to look up to you for, for that emotional support maybe excelled throughout the transaction, but was there something beforehand? Or did you set boundaries from the beginning? Do you allow that door to open from the beginning? Because as you mentioned, initially it was only text, and then they started calling you and feeling more. Did that happen just from one end? How. How did the other side feel? Did you let him know what was happening on the other end? Like from one, you look like the ass from the other side, you don't. So, so it varies, right? It's a difficult situation because you're not trying to intentionally, but sometimes you really have to be intentional about it. [00:07:49] Speaker A: There, There's a lot of uncertainties and what ifs in this story. And just like you were saying, to your point, what is the relationship of these three people before the transaction? Because if they were all friends before the transaction, that changes the dynamic of if this was just like some people that was an Internet lead that you met with, and then you're their realtor. And I understand that, you know, you always want to develop a relationship with your clients, and it turns. Some of, some of those relationships can turn into friendships, but I think it really did. It really does for me to determine if you're the a hole. Depend on, like, if, if this is, say, one of your great friends, right? This is a, like a friend couple with you and your spouse. If you're a married agent and this is like one of your friend couples that you've known for years and you're kind of like not being there, supporting them on the friend side, I can kind of see how they would say you're the a hole. But if you don't know them, you don't know them from Adam, they're just some people that you met that you're representing, it changes that dynamic. Does that make sense? [00:08:53] Speaker B: It definitely does. Because if it were two friends of mine that are going through that transaction, I would not beat that real estate agent for the sake of our friendship for all three of us, I will refer that business out and have somebody else represent them in that transaction. Because it could be. You can come into a gray line, right, where one's gonna think the other. Then they're going through a very difficult moment, and you don't want to be in a position where they're looking at you and, and trying to determine your friendship based on how you communicate to either one of them during that process. You know, I would rather stay away from that and continue to. And continue that friendship per se. Right. In a case that I don't know anyway, the first time I meet these individuals and they're going through that and that's how they're handling the situation, then. Then definitely those boundaries have to be set from the beginning, you know, and. And as you see that increasing that communication, increasing that their need for you, for your support, you also have to remind them of those boundaries of find an alternative, find an additional support or something that will help them. You know, I think you also, as an agent have to understand throughout the process what their mindset is, how. How are things changing in this case, you mentioned that they started to get more emotional about it. They started to see the transaction as a. As a final step of that relationship being completely done. You know, I think it's a moment where you can sit back and. And have a conversation with them and, and. And show them what their life is going to look forward, like, do they still want that attachment or are they ready to move on? If they're not ready to move on, then continue to see. What else can you do to allow them to see the next step, the next stage of their life? Mind you, we're not a professional psychiatrist or therapist, but allow them to see that picture a little bit or find them the resources that will help them in that situation. [00:11:19] Speaker A: And we talk about a lot, we've talked about in our past episodes a lot about how you do have to wear the therapist hat a lot in real estate. And it's not just for couples that are going through divorce. The journey of a buyer and seller is in a very, very emotional process. And part of our job that nobody prepares us for is being there to talk them off the ledge and to calm them down when they get cold feets and to explain everything to them and be there. But at some point, there has. There has to be a line. And we like you, to your, to your point, we're not licensed therapists. We're not marriage counselors. And if it gets to a point, where as the agent, you're feeling overwhelmed and you're like, I can't, you know, I can't handle this. You got to think about your mental sanity too and your mental health. You know, you can't just keep taking and taking, taking everything on for somebody for the transaction. I think the agent did the right thing in talking to their broker and deciding to take a step back. I don't. They didn't. It doesn't say that they ditched them and were like, deuces, I'm out. They saw the deal through, they did everything that they were supposed to do and they still got them like the best possible outcome for them in that situation. They just didn't feel supported the way they wanted to feel supported. And then they asked them, the agent, to do something that the agent couldn't do. So there was a little bit of unrealistic expectations there. [00:12:40] Speaker B: Yeah. And you may have to be the a hole. Right. In order for them to get the point. Because one thing that is not being considered and mentioned in this case is as the agents, you're also representing other clients throughout the process on a given month. Right. So how do you maintain a balance? How do you maintain sanity to grow from one transaction that's driving you crazy to the next running and get to that table and be, hey, how you doing? You know, with the clear mindset to be able to articulate what you have to put in, on the table, on, on negotiations and, and move that transaction forward without the other transaction affecting you. These are all variables that are often not considered and, and, and not expected from our real estate agents because they think, oh, we're just showing houses. The reality is there's a lot more going on any given day for real estate agent that you can imagine because of all the other parties involved. Right. So things that on some scenarios, you, you have no choice but to be the a hole. You know, you really have to, because you have to protect not just your insanity, but you also have to protect the best interest of everybody else that is relying on you to move a deal forward, you know, and that's really it. Sometimes you're gonna have to, and you. [00:14:05] Speaker A: Have to put those boundaries down. Like when this agent first started getting those late night texts, those voice memos. At that point, you know, a boundary could have been set and said, hey, you can't text me at 11 o', clock, 12 o', clock, 1 o' clock in the morning, you can't call me and leave me a three minute voice memo at two o', clock, in the morning when you're drunk and upset. Because that's not how I conduct my business. I have a family too. I'm married. That's not acceptable. And it's okay to put those boundaries. It's okay to tell somebody, you know. [00:14:40] Speaker B: No, exactly. You have to. And. And people are understanding of that. I think the problem becomes when. When you allow them to happen, and then they think that it's normal situation for them to do a normal routine part of the transaction for them to do. And it comes with. To a point where it's a little bit too much. [00:15:05] Speaker A: It really is. I mean, there's always exceptions to the rules. There's always like it's an emergency, something happened. But this isn't an emergency. This isn't something happened. This is. They're. They're ranting, they're emotional. They're just wanting that emotional support and setting clear boundaries in place. And not only that, it also kind of seems like they didn't. In the story, the agent was stuck in the middle, not really talking to the other side that wasn't emotionally. They wanted one side, wanted them to keep secrets from the other side. You can't do that as an agent. And it's a very hard line to walk when you're in that situation. I know I've been in a situation with Tony. Tony's been in a situation where it's a divorced couple, intentions are high, and you're having. It's. It's hard when you have to have the same phone call twice. And you can't just have it together. You have to call the husband and say one thing, and then you have to call the wife and say the same exact thing. Make sure you said the same exact thing. [00:15:59] Speaker B: Because. [00:15:59] Speaker A: Because you cannot have those conversations. You can't tell one person one thing and the other person another thing. So keeping everything in writing is really the best bet. But sometimes it does need to be a phone call. [00:16:11] Speaker B: Yeah. And like you say, you have to protect everyone's interest in that particular case. Right. Not change what you're talking about, what needs to be said from one party to the next. So transparency above all else is key here and documentation, because at the end of the day, you also don't want that person to come back to you and say, hey, you said this, you did this. But nothing was in writing to showcase exactly how everything went down. And it's just, you got to protect everyone as best as you can. So, yeah, I think this is a good scenario where you definitely have to be there A hole at some point throughout the process. But setting out the boundaries from the get go will in most cases prevent from the situation escalating to that point where you have to become the. [00:17:09] Speaker A: You really do. And in this story it seems like, you know, one side thought they were, one side was like completely fine. Which, you know, every story has this side, that side, and then the actual truth to a story. But when it comes to being an agent, what is your thoughts on? Are you just supposed to be all in emotionally and just be there to support your clients no matter what? Or is it okay to even pull completely out of a transaction and fire clients because you feel like they're relying on you too much emotionally and crossing boundaries after you've already said that them. [00:17:46] Speaker B: No, I think that's, that, that's the first statement. You have to, you have to maintain a sanity for your sake and for the sake of all of your clients. Because it's not just one client that you're working with. You have multiple other parties relying on you to be there for them. And when one gets to the point where they're consuming too much of your time, too much of your energy to, and not allowing you to be 100% for everybody else, you have to put a line in place. And that may be stepping out of that transaction, firing that client and moving on because there's so much more to lose. And I'm no mean in the sense of a commission wise, but more so on the relationship that you're building in the process. Because you're not being true to yourself. You're not being the agent people are expecting you to be and you're leaving that to be able to be the support system for someone. I think there's a, there's a line that you have to put in place and, and hold yourself accountable to not going over that line at all times. No matter who's in front of you, no matter who's on the other side of that line that you're representing? And you have to be respectful of that for yourself and set the boundary that will not allow you to get to that point where you have to make a decision on crossing that line. If you treat yourself like that and you let your clients know from the get go, I think everyone will be respectful enough to, just to understand why you have those boundaries. They will be respectful of that and they themselves will look at you on a much bigger, bigger role because they see someone in front of them that, that has respect for, for themselves and has respect for everyone that they're hoping in the transaction, the moment you start crossing that line, it's not just you that's going to cross. It's everybody that comes that think that they're going to cross it, you know, and then it comes. You. You may go too deep in the hole to, to ever come back from it or have the type of business that you want, because everybody may think and know that they can get away with anything they want when they come across working with you. And you don't want that in your business. You don't want to attract that kind of people into your business either. [00:20:15] Speaker A: You don't want to set that stage. You don't want to set that standard that, oh, yeah, call, text me anytime. Any reason you want to make sure that you have your. Your work time, your family time, you set those limits and you don't feel emotionally drained at the end of the day. And I think sometimes that's hard for a lot of people too, you know, especially if it is a situation where they were your friends before, and these are people, you know, you like. Let's say you were at their wedding, your godmother, godfather to their kids, and now they're getting a divorce, and they're upset with you because they don't feel like you're there for them as their agent. And again, to your point, you've made a lot of really, really good points today in this story. Maybe you shouldn't have taken this transaction. Maybe you should have said, as an agent, you know what? I love you guys. I'll be here for you, but I. I don't think it's a good position for me to be in as your agent and walk you guys through this. I think you need an outside perspective, somebody who's not so close to the situation, and that way you're not in the hot seat. You're not the one that's there dealing with the long voice memos. It's somebody else, right? [00:21:21] Speaker B: I heard something until long ago, and I can't recall if it was Ormosi or somebody else. What? They said that if I call you while you at the dinner table, am I the asshole for calling you, or are you the one for picking up the phone? The call? [00:21:40] Speaker A: Sure. How are they supposed to know you were at the dinner table? [00:21:44] Speaker B: So. So people think, oh, I don't respect your boundaries. So. But hey, if you don't respect your boundaries and you pick up that call, you know, you could easily just let the call go, call them back when you're done with dinner, say, hey, I Was at dinner, I didn't pick up. Is it something that, that you need my time now or is it something that can win to tomorrow? I mean, my family time, you know, but. But again, am I the one the a hole for calling you during dinner time or are you the one for picking up the call and you just interrupt the family time? So these are, these are boundaries that again, if you don't respect them, how are other people going to know what those boundaries and those lines are and let alone respect them to stay true to yourself? So first and foremost, I think you have to set those in place and you need to stay a distance away from those lines. Those funders, they just said and everybody else will respect them. But the moment you start going over them, I think a lot. You can allow them in your business and you cannot allow people into your business with that mindset. [00:22:54] Speaker A: That's very true. Because once. That's a very slippery slope. Once you start going down that path of breaking your boundary, Breaking your boundary, breaking your boundary, it's just going to keep piling on and they're just going to take and take and take. You give an inch, they're going to take a mile. So if you're saying, hey, you know, I'm not going to take any calls after 8pm unless it's an absolute real estate emergency, then you have to stick with that. Because the first time they call you at 902 and say, Hey, I just want to talk about my feelings about the marriage and the house and everything, you've broken that boundary and you've opened that door. [00:23:28] Speaker B: Yeah, that's it. So, yeah, you, you have to be the a hole sometimes. And that's okay. That's totally okay. Well, in these scenarios, I think the, I think the agent did the right thing, you know, took yourself out of the transaction to know, allow it to affect her any further and, and allow the person to really looking to themselves and okay, it's not that she's not getting the support, but hopefully they, they looked at what they were doing throughout the process and realized, okay, I need to be able to move on. [00:24:06] Speaker A: Yep. Well, all right, guys, we are at the top of the hour and you heard the story. So was the agent protecting their own mental health or abandoning a client when emotions were high? Let us know in Am I the a hole? Real Estate Edition. [00:24:24] Speaker B: This is fun. This is fun. I like this. We, we got to keep doing this and hopefully we get a more crowd in. So. And if this episode made you uncomfortable, fired up, or feel seen, good that's the point right? This is this show doesn't exist just for entertainment. It also exists to start a conversation channels you know the better advice and help you make smarter move in real estate and business. [00:24:52] Speaker A: So if you guys want to be part of the conversation, not just listen, go to our website www.real talk.live to join our Real Talk community. Be a guest spotlight. Be a spotlight guest on our show, that is. Or jump on the show and weigh in on what would you do or am I the a hole? [00:25:13] Speaker B: All right. And if this episode hit, do us a favor and like it, share it and send it to someone who needs to hear it. [00:25:22] Speaker A: Don't forget to drop your opinions in the comments. Let us know where you stand and also don't forget to like and subscribe so you never miss an episode. And we will see you guys on the next one. [00:25:33] Speaker B: We'll see you next time for more Real Talk. We're Real business. It's in Real Talk. So yeah.